That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
