You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
