Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
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