Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Is Oprah even human
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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