you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
