If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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