This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
