Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
