Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Is Oprah even human
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
