Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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