A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
