i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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