Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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