I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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