i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize