My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Randomize
