There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I cut my penus on the lid.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
