We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
