I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
