woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
