just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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