I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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