Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Life is so much better after having sex.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
