They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
