then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
