I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
