while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
