Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
