i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
