i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
