Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Randomize
