I am puke
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
