im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I just want nice things and good sex
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize