if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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