Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
My feet surprised me
Randomize
