just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
We need to feng shui this bitch.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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