Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
