OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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