Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Randomize
