i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
