Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
