if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
