dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
