My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
