also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
wow bdsm is so cute
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
