She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
