Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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