one might say we're banned from that church
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
