the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
home. puking in laundry basket.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
