Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
