I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
