hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
