my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
my phone needs a breathalizer
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
No subtext here. People are naked.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
