Don't make out with my wife yet
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
