Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
