How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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