Im at strip club and am horny
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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